Between the bells and the silence (a name I can not speak)

New Year's Eve, 2024

to the nameless feeling in my chest,

i hate you.

marking your attendance on every special day

you take up the space in my heart

on days you are welcomed,

arriving with the familiar company of

the bells and horns of scott street,

and on days uninvited

on long nights

laying restless in my bed

the world around me asleep

i welcome you with open arms

just as so, in my brighter days,

the light of

a thousand splendid suns

burning unapologetically

in the chests and on the faces of my beloveds

you are a shadowed creature

in a forgotten corner

watching my every move

with practiced ease

when do you choose to strike?

why do you choose to strike?

what is your purpose?

a sacred, unassuming reminder

an echo of things left forgotten

or perhaps a reflection of myself; a being without purpose

like an abandoned child

i cast you aside

maybe i could hold you now

are you hurting, too?

maybe i can put everyone away

and love you

just a while

Don’t hurt me, okay?

(and when you remember your purpose

stabbing my back

with an unforgiving blow

I hope this moment

comes back to haunt you)